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Joke of the Day

"My friend would be alive today... if we knew the difference between antidote and anecdote. >""Am I going to live?"" >""I don't know."" >""Read faster!"""

"[starts Power Point presentation titled ""Why I'm Breaking Up With You""] Him: Wait, what the--? Me: Please hold all questions until the end."

"Why did the Udon noodles stop drinking? They wanted to be Soba... I heard that a few days ago and wanted to share it."

"What's the difference between a Trump voter and a polar bear? One is a fat, white, mindless killing machine with no conscience or future, and the other is a bear."

"How can you tell when your girlfriend is getting fat? When she can fit into your wife's clothes."

"I can't find a single Ekans here in Ireland with Pokemon Go. Thanks, St Patrick"

"What's the tragedy with little people? They lead such short lives."

"The difference between cars and whales is that whales can swim and cars can't."

"Knock, Knock... Who's there? Peas. Peas who? *Peas pass the butter*"

"""Please punch in your account number, phone number and the last four digits of your social security, so I can transfer you so they can ask you for those same numbers again!"""