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Joke of the Day

"How many police officers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They just beat the room for being black. P.S.: Sorry if repost"

"I completely understand parents who choose not to vaccinate their children... ...because they all got vaccinated as children, and obviously turned out retarded."

"Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is the police."

"When Yuri Gagarin was a kid, he dreamt to be the first one in outer space ... ... but some bitches beat him to it."

"For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids."

"Her: I love your lip gloss. What brand is it? Me: *looks puzzled*licks lips* It's donut glaze."

"Circus stocks are up Because the clowns sure are making a killing."

"To those out there who have accused me of selling out, of abandoning my beliefs and values to climb the social ladder: uh... yeah. yes."

"A man's ears were exposed to a high frequency sound... He said ""It hertz."""

"I just spent $100 at Whole Foods. This better be a damn good bag of Almonds."