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Joke of the Day

"What was Hitler's favorite way to tie his boots? In Nazi's!"

"There are a ton of nihilists protesting downtown today... They're part of the #NoLivesMatter movement."

"Me: Choose a mate who loves & respects their mom, but isn't overly dependent on her. Lady: These are 4th graders- Me: THEY NEED TO KNOW THIS"

"what is the difference between toilet paper and toast Toast is brown on both sides."

"World's scariest martial art is Mexican Judo. Judo know if I got a gun, judo know if I got a knife."

"[after lover's spat] ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes. HER: You're just naming foods. ME: Pumpkin. Muffin. HER: ... ME: Zucchini bread."

"Rules for texting a girl: 1. Don't take 40 minutes to reply. 2. Use good grammar. 3. Ask Questions. 4. Use the face."

"Nothing more uncomfortable than a girl with a lazy eye looking up at you while giving you head."

"This motel room smells like despair. Or is that my deodorant? The tuna sandwich, maybe. This hooker? My jeans? I bet it's my jeans."

"Do not go golfing with Admiral Ackbar. All he does is obsess about the location of sand hazards."