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Joke of the Day

"Me: Choose a mate who loves & respects their mom, but isn't overly dependent on her. Lady: These are 4th graders- Me: THEY NEED TO KNOW THIS"

"Cinderella (2014) - A despotic prince with a foot fetish forces all female citizens of his kingdom to undergo mandatory DNA testing."

"Right now the United States and China are tied in total Olympic medals! Of course we trail in Gold medals because every time we win one we have to turn it over to China to pay our debt!!!"

"You know what's really odd? Numbers not divisible by 2"

"Did you hear about the two nuts walking down the street? One was a salted"

"Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: ""Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner"" *centipede walks in* ""You've got to be kiddin me"""

"Brain: stop eating! Me: why B: you'll get fat M: so? B: there's only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach! M: oh *stops eating*"

"At the cinema. ME: Two tickets please! CASHIER: For the Hobbit? ME: How dare you sir, she's my date."

"I ate a big cheeseburger for lunch and my heart started going really fast, so I'm counting it as an hour at the gym."

"My mother told me that I took everything for granite. Apparently our house was made of sandstone."