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Joke of the Day

"Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with ""obstruction of justice."" This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time."

"Yesterday I bought an expensive but poorly made tie... I think my ascot ripped off!"

"Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you haven't pissed in 8 hrs"

"Just a reminder that your coworkers aren't going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it."

"[emailing eHarmony match] Her: describe yourself Me: brown hair, kinda stalky Her: lol you mean stocky Me [through her bedroom window]: No"

"If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, that's probably a good, isolated spot to commit crimes."

"What's the difference between a physicist and an engineer A physicist says ""E = mc^2"", an engineer asks ""How much mass we talkin?"""

"I got this gem from a 6-year-old ...seriously, I need to get rid of it fast, the law really frowns on stealing from children."

"It's confusing when a girl is both beautiful and doesn't listen to terrible music."

"Now that Ted Cruz dropped out, there is only one man standing in Trump's way Hilary Clinton"