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Joke of the Day

"Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I'm super nice just trying to figure out why I can't breathe when I eat chips"

"Bought a new exercise program Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort So I did"

"Now that the german sense of humor has been acknowledged internationally, we can be sure of one thing... ...next world war is going to be *hilarious*."

"Apparently it's frowned upon to wipe sweat from the brow of a sexy guy at the gym Who knew"

"""Thanks for nothing, Evolution."" - Flightless Birds"

"If you assume all turtlenecks have sleeves, prepare to have your world rocked when this jacket comes off."

"Exactly how many good deeds do you have to commit to get into Heaven? I'm talking bare minimum here."

"I emailed Netflix and asked if they had Batman Forever they said, ""No, just till the end of June""."

"I need to get my shit together. It's in little piles in my kitchen & then there's some more in my wife's closet."

"Can't wait for Game 8 of the World Series, Indians vs the Dakota Access Pipeline"