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Joke of the Day

"Me: You're the prettiest girl I've ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you're smart too, I like that."

"Hey, NSA, if you're going to read them, would it kill you to star them?"

"I got my priest to stop hitting on me. I introduced him to my little brother."

"What's the difference between a boy band and a band of just guys? The person sucking dick."

"When a pterodactyl urinates, no one hears it. (silent P)"

"My wife and I adopted an abandoned newborn. She was affected by shaken baby syndrome... ...We're naming her Jostlelyne! I made that one up myself."

"ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman* DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR"

"Finding Money Reaching into a pair of pants and finding a wad of money is a great feeling . . . . until the person wearing the pants starts screaming."

"""Your teeth are like the stars"" he said As he pressed her hand so white. He spoke the truth for like the stars Her teeth came out at night!"

"[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match] ME: Ok listen up guys [all the other players look at me] ME: Is....is anyone else cold?"