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Joke of the Day

"After reviewing Spielberg's WWII movies I can't decide which actor is superior, Tom Hanks in ""Saving Private Ryan"" or Sarah Jessica Parker in ""War Horse."""

"scientist: he's going to be identical to you in every way me: every way? [my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit"

"My superpower is making red lights turn green simply by trying to write a tweet."

"If I had a dollar for every gender created in 2016 I'd have one million dollars, unfortunately it would be in monopoly money because none of them are real."

"Husband and wife near wishing well. Suddenly wife slips and fell in the well. Terrified husband: Noooooooooo...I can't believe it's working!"

"I should buy a 26.2 sticker! for my nose..."

"What makes a joke bad? redundancy."

"What if soy milk... ...is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish?"

"Bae: come over Me: can we ever have normal conversations Bae: my parents aren't home Me: why can't you just ask how good my day was for once"

"I need constant reassurance, right?"