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Joke of the Day

"If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they'll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you'll have enough money to buy an orange."

Next Joke
 
"Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS."
"Why do the Scottish Wear Kilts? Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away."
"A horse walks into a bar... and the bartender says, ""Hey look everybody! Sarah Jessica Parker is in the house!"""
"I came very close to death last night. I had a wank in a graveyard."
"[notice son's not home] [text] Me: IT'S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11! 17: You were my ride. Me: Oh. Where are you again?"
"Did I tell you I'm dating a midget? I'm nuts over her."
"*Texts* Can I come over bae? I need you. <3 *Gets reply text* DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I'M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!"
"Anyone who's voice doesn't jump a few octaves when talking to a puppy probably kills people for a living"
"How is American Beer similar to making love in a canoe? They're both fucking close to water."