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Joke of the Day

"Why did Microsoft skip windows 9? Because 7 ate 9"

"I broke up with my gym. We were just not working out."

"Me: Excited for the dance? 13yo: No, because you and mom will be there. Me: But I've been workin on my twerkin! 13yo: I need new parents."

"Oh, your kid gets straight A's at school? That's cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse."

"I'm heading to Greenwich later today. Wondering what I should do in the Mean Time."

"I Gave Up Cross Country Skiing. Ever since it's all been downhill."

"Anytime I'm using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, ""Did you bring the lube?"" As loud as possible."

"Whenever a bill collector calls I just give the phone to my toddler and tell her it's Barney."

"Are you ready to be disappointed?"

"Why do jews get their penises circumcised? Because women like their dicks 20% off"