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Joke of the Day

"If you're afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway."

"Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns"

"Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month? Me: Ridiculous! I won't pay it! B: here's your coffee. $12.32 M: thank you"

"Why can't you ever really trust your toilet? It's usually full of shit."

"There is nothing wrong with drinking while pregnant... ...my wife drank through all five months of her pregnancy."

"Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines."

"When you sit next to a talker at the movies you're allowed to hit them in the face and move seats. It's in the ticket fine print."

"How to talk to a good girl and bad girl When you talk to a good girl, ask 'How are you?' When you talk to a bad girl, ask 'How much are you?'"

"I'm available if anyone needs me to ruin a good thing before it even starts."

"Of course he's a ""jolly"" rancher. He's herding candy. I'd be fucking delightful if that were my job."