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Joke of the Day

"An Asian boy come home from the doctor and he tells his dad... Son: Dad the doctor said I'm allergic to bees Dad: That good, now you can only get A"

"I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you'll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker."

"I just stopped at a yellow light to give myself a few extra seconds to craft this tweet."

"I'm a humble person, really. I'm actually much greater than I think I am."

"What do you get when you cross a stock broker, a detective, and an alligator? An investigator."

"I don't know why beer companies bother with an expiration date... it's never going to make it anywhere near that."

"Did you hear about the Mexican killer that owned trains? He had loco-motives"

"[Little bit racist] why do New Zealanders... Have insomnia? Because every time they start counting sheep they get too horny to sleep."

"To the guy that invented zero... Thanks for nothing."

"Yay summer! *gets drunk outside* Yay winter! *gets drunk inside*"