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Joke of the Day

"If you don't have company or a package coming, don't answer the doorbell. You're nobody's bitch."

"UR MOMA IS SO HAIRY THAT HARRY POTTER GOT JEALOUS."

"I repaired my drum set after my son broke it... ... ... Now he has to deal with the repercussions."

"The best way to make people remember you? Borrow money from them"

"Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don't get sick!"

"If I was a cannibal I'd only eat women. Because they're seedless."

"(God creating coyotes) God: Make them look like dogs. Angel: Exactly like dogs? God: But with a meth problem."

"Who is Jay Gatsby's favorite superhero? Green Lantern. And his least favorite? Deadpool."

"Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning."

"The fact that Americans eat cookie dough and cake batter shows that we can't even wait until it's done cooking anymore."