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Joke of the Day

"The check engine light could be more specific...is it 'holy shit stop the car right now' or 'proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles'?"

"I'm ""don't flash your headlights at someone who doesn't have theirs on bc they will come and kill you"" years old."

"What's the definition of suspicion? A nun doing press-ups in a cucumber field."

"Son asks his father for money. So, a Jewish kid says to his father, ""Dad can I have twenty dollars?"" The dad replies, ""Ten dollars!?...what are you going to buy with five dollars?"""

"Trump's inauguration had a low turnout Still more than Hillary's inauguration"

"What did Gandalf say when he tried to shut down Auschwitz? ""You shall not gas!"""

"Hey you see that Russian car over there? When I was in Moscow I saw a Lada them."

"The little Jack to his mom : Mommy, I'm fed up with sleeping with Jimmy ! Don't tell that again, you know we can afford funerals for him !"

"Everyone keeps saying I'm paranoid... This must be some sort of conspiracy..."

"I wrote ""except zombies"" on my welcome mat so I know I'll be safe during a zombie apocalypse."