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Joke of the Day

"Well my father always told me, ""when life gives you lemons, chances are you're in the fruit aisle and shouldn't overthink the situation Edit: words"

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"Alzheimer joke (Not sure if repost)"
"Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder? Me: I'd trapped myself in a Tupperware container Cop: Damn, that's an air tight alibi"
"I hope Death is a woman That way it will never come for me"
"In an interview: ""How would your friends describe you?"" Answer: ""perfect......"" (wait 5 seconds.) ""this fucking question again! I don't have any god damn friends!"" I'll show myself out"
"What's worse than locking your keys in your car in front of an abortion clinic? Going in and asking for a coat hanger."
"My girlfriend says that I am snoopy. But OK, maybe she meant it differently when she wrote it in her diary."
"Me: Here you go. Her: WTF? Me: It's the genital mold you wanted. Her: I said gelatin mold! Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*"
"I heard women love a man in uniform.. Can't wait to start working at McDonalds."
"Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?"