147146

Joke of the Day

"I hope to one day ride in a crowded elevator and make knowing eye contact with the man sent to kill me."

"When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I'm gonna be them on social media & just comment ""nice"" on everyones old pool pics"

"Why does Michael J Fox make the best milkshakes? Because he uses the best ingredients."

"A TCP packet walks into a bar... ... and says to the barmen: ""Hello, I'd like a beer."" the barman replies: ""Hello, you'd like a beer?"" ""Yes,"" replies the packet, ""I'd like a beer."""

"I'm writing a book about common Mexican names... I'm gonna call it ""50 Shades of Jose"""

"I wish there was a show called ""Lifestyles of the Twitter Famous"" so we could all see how nice your mom's basement is."

"What is it called when a ninja flees the scene of an accident? Hidden Run."

"""'There is no 'I' in team!"" *Steve Jobs yells at his iTeam*"

"Is Google a he or a she... Is Google a he or a she? A: A she, no doubt, because it wont let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas."

"You: ""Whale you be my Valentuna?"" Me: ""Dolphinately."""