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Joke of the Day
"How do you make Obama's eyes light up? Shine a flashlight in his ear."
Next Joke
"Missing LSD tablets Hey Gran, you haven't seen my tablets, they're labelled LSD. Gran: Fuck your tablets, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen!"
"[10 PM] If I go to bed now, I'll get a full 8 hours of sleep [3AM] Siri what is a grape nut"
"I respect older people because they made it through school without Google OR Wikipedia."
"a short fortune teller escaped from prison she's now a small medium at large"
"[on the phone with wife] Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin? ""Tell me why."" [winks at tattoo artist] No reason."
"What is the similarity between Election and Erection? The words election and erection are spelled similarly. They both have the same meaning too: a dick rising to power."
"I just completed a one month long diet... And all I lost was 30 days."
"Bae: Come over. Romeo: Can't. You're a Capulet, I'm a Montague. Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over. Romeo: Also, you're 13."
"What is it called when two tectonic plates have a romantic relationship? Subduction!"