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Joke of the Day

"Fairy tales My granddaughter asked me, ""Do all fairy tales begin with ""Once upon a time?"" I said, no, some begin with ""If elected, I promise to........................"""

"I Lost my watch at a party once. Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl... not on my watch."

"A good way to make a car dealer uncomfortable is to say, ""Tell me if you can hear this,"" and then get in the trunk and start screaming."

"It's not a nervous breakdown. I'm having a calm, rational breakdown based on an understanding of how fucked everything is."

"Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child."

"It probably seems like I'm listening to your story, but I'm really thinking, ""close your fucking menu or the waiter will never come over."""

"mermaid procreation how does a mermaid give birth? sea section"

"Wow, some people are so prepared! Christmas is 364 days away, and some people already have their lights up!"

"What do you call peanuts in space? Astronuts!"

"Clowns terrorizing the streets. A real life billionaire villain running for president. We need Batman now more than ever"