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Joke of the Day
"[Favorite joke from Letterman] What goes into thirteen twice? Roman Polanski."
Next Joke
"Got the cheese sweats. Got the cheese sweats real bad."
"I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?"
"My Grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo."
"My hair's gone mad today if anyone needs a small furry animal smuggled anywhere."
"If I were British these tweets would be worth 1.61 times as much."
"Scientists have discovered a Gene that makes women more receptive to threesomes It's a recessive gene though, so both parents have to not love her for the trait to manifest."
"Me: Wow, 5k followers Wife: Is your top tweet still something I said? Me: Ya Wife: Then aren't they really MY followers? Me: *drinks heavily"
"I went to vegetarian restaurant the other day... I falafel afterwards."
"When my child is born I'll paint flames on him so when I stand with the other parents at the nursery I can say ""Thats my son. The fast one."""