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Joke of the Day

"When my child is born I'll paint flames on him so when I stand with the other parents at the nursery I can say ""Thats my son. The fast one."""

"Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how? Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I'm a miracle worker"

"Do you remember that barbecue? You know, the one where I put my meat on your grill?"

"Let's get naughty and save Santa the trip."

"I wasn't lying, I was just writing fiction with my mouth."

"How do Jedis close their programs on a Mac? They use Force quit."

"*At funeral* ""Your Mom is so fat"" I said eulogy, not roast. ""oh right, I'm sorry. Your mom WAS so fat..."""

"Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement."

"Why did the banker resign? His customers lost interest in him."

"For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair"