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Joke of the Day

"Men have a basic understanding of complex ideas. Women have a complex understanding of basic ideas."

"Adulthood is like the vet, and we're all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we're going."

"Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle."

"Guns don't kill people. Cats don't sew mittens. Houses don't crap zebras. Lots of nouns don't verb other nouns. This isn't new information."

"Me: *pouts at front facing camera* Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend."

"[walks up to coworker's desk] I know I don't say this often enough, but thank you for not showing me pictures of your kids."

"What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck!"

"Do you think Lincoln was good at pleasuring the ladies? If he was, did they call him the pounding father?"

"WHAT DO WE WANT?! Follow-up questions! WHEN DO WE WANT IT? OH HELL YEAH THAT'S THE STUFF"

"There are two kinds of friends: 1. Friends with benefits 2. Friends with potential."