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Joke of the Day

"Friend apologizes for mess. Friend has immaculate house. Open her closet. Out comes 78 books, a piano and a gentleman squirrel in a top hat."

"Sometimes it's nice to feel another body pressed up against your own, even if rigor mortis has already set it."

"Oedipus? I hate that motherfucker"

"5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars Me: That'd wreck the economy 5: I just- Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation"

"Knock knock. Whose their? The grammar police."

"What's the most romantic pasta? Farfalle. It always gives me butterflies in my stomach."

"What Do You Call A Galloping Musician? Ludvig Van BeetHOOFen."

"What type of equipment do you operate for abortions? A baby excavator."

"Mmmmm white people - sharks"

"A guy calls 911 Guy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help! 911: Alright, What is it? Guy: Two girls are fighting over me! 911: So what's your emergency? Guy: The ugly one is winning."