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Joke of the Day

"elephants are scared of mice they're like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps [a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]"

"Democrats wear wide red ties and green sports jackets during the festive season. Republicans do too all year round."

"If you're still undecided on a certain tattoo, try it out first on your baby."

"Who are the fastest readers in the world? [Can be disturbing] The New Yorkers. Some of them go through 110 stories in 10 seconds."

"On Halloween I'm going to let kids decide between raisins and a toothbrush so they know what we're going through with this election."

"I don't like it when a pretty girl with glasses takes them off, and her eyes were actually painted onto the inside of the lenses."

"Ask me why I'm bad at telling jokes - ""why are you bad at telling jokes?"" - ...oh wait. Shit! ughh ... I fucked it up."

"Two windmills are in a field... ...And one says to the other, ""Hey, do you like football?"" The other one replies, ""Yeah, I'm a big fan""."

"What do you call a French sandal? Philippe Flop!"

"a good dentist and a bad dentist finds out about a new candy store opening good dentist: oh man, i hope the people who go there brush and floss regularly bad dentist: ALRIGHT!!! job security!"