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Joke of the Day

"Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise* Velociraptor: Actually it's *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough"

"[terrorist meeting] ""Let's hit Americans where they gather to shop"" But how will we find these Targets? ""Guys you're not gonna believe this"""

"Angry kids are like toys. Wind them up and watch them go."

"I heard about Buddhist monks who lit themselves on fire to protest prosucution Certainly one way to reach enlightenment"

"A man's sex life is like an oak tree You spend the first part of your life growing up and not doing much. Then later you nut almost constantly for a short period of time, right up until you go bald"

"Have you heard the one about the airplane? It's way over your head."

"Date: So what do you do for fun? Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail] I love bird watching."

"Litter of puppies = cute. Liter of puppies = gross."

"I promised my wife I would make her feel like a princess. She is all locked up in the tower now."

"Baby Soldier: Ma'am. Your husband is MIA. Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands* Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too."