143963

Joke of the Day

"Accidentally broke my Irish friend's Pixar movie... He wasn't amused, but he did say, ""You cracked me Up."""

"Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they'll leave you alone."

"If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that's practically the same thing."

"So a guy is eating a steak dinner at a restaurant... ...when the waitress comes over and asked the man ""How did you find the steak, sir?"" The man looks at her and says ""I just moved the potatoes."""

"I think my life is a Saturday Night Live sketch. It began with promise, but now it's going nowhere and the last half sucks."

"A Thought About Posthumous Autobiographies They're all ghost-written."

"This week, paleontologists discovered a blind dinosaur They named him Doyouthinkhesaurus"

"I failed my AP Biology test... They asked; ""what is something commonly found in cells?"" Apparently black people wasn't the correct answer"

"To test my kid's readiness for a pet I had her clean up poop in the yard all week and now I can't go back to using the toilet."

"I'm not fucking stupid. I mean, I was, but we broke up."