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Joke of the Day

"I was craving a soda this morning in school, but I couldn't afford one.. I was soda pressed"

"Love many, trust few, and learn to paddle your own canoe."

"Where are the longest hairs of the body? Inside the nose. Because every time you pull one, you feel the pain until your ass."

"""Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..."" ""Peter, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."""

"[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work] So the actors really don't die? ""No"" So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead? *she sighs*"

"As a non-english native redditor ... Edit: grammer"

"There's blood everywhere... I mean, most of it is inside our bodies, but still; the horror..."

"What do you call a fat female assassin? A killer whale."

"[lumberjack interview] BOSS: I'm gonna ""axe"" you a few questions. Haha do you get it? ME: Yeah I ""saw"" that coming BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!"

"Checking Your Phone To See What Time It Is... And Then Checking It Again Because The First Time You Wernt Paying Attention! Awkward."