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Joke of the Day

"Hiw did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth? He was eating pizza before it was cool."

"If someone says you're a nice person, these things will happen: 1) They will ask you for a favor. 2) You will not get laid."

"I just want to buy an old Mercedes Benz,so people will think I have been rich for a long time."

"I have a stepladder. I never knew my real ladder."

"You know how asparagus makes your pee smell? Well, I just heard from my father for the first time in 14 years."

"[at home on video conference call] Yeah boss I don't know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad. *pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*"

"A guy asked me if I wanted some free fish... I asked, ""What's the catch?"""

"I accidentally pooed my pants in an elevator. I'm taking this shit to a whole new level."

"Why was Helen Keller a bad driver? 'cause she's a woman!"

"Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his."