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Joke of the Day

"6yo:You can't eat chips before dinner! Me:YOU can't. I'm a grown man. I do what I want. *Wife walks in*: What's that? Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?"

"Battered women... ...sounds delicious. But that doesn't make it right!"

"I hate the lack of entertainment on westjet flights It's driving me bored-air-line crazy"

"How can you double your money? Look at it in a mirror."

"What hand do you wipe with? Answer: left or right Response: why not use toilet paper?"

"Stephen Hawking walks into a bar... Bartender: ""Why the long face ?"""

"*wakes up in a cold sweat* Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes"

"Wow, what a day. I volunteered at a soup kitchen, caught up on my scrapbookin', went 2 baby shower, ran 9 miles, then told lies on twitter."

"[GF comes home to find our son alone] Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk! ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM"

"What happens when people settle for a shitty situation? They're citizens of the So-be-it Union."