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Joke of the Day

"Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly."

"What do hip pigs call their ladies? Fine swine."

"Why was the solider nervous about being deployed? He had arachnophobia."

"9am: *starts diet* 2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*"

"""knock knock"".. ""who's there?"" ""dave"" ""dave who?"" dave struggled to hold back the tears as he realised his grandmothers alzheimers is getting worse"

"You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it. - My 4yo. Apparently."

"My boss just sent me the heart eyes emoji. Since we're clearly being honest with each other I replied with a monkey with a gun to its head."

"What's Whitney Houstons's favourite type of co-ordination? HAND-EEEEEYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEE"

"What do you call poultry that glows in the dark? Chicken Kiev"

"What does Sigmund Freud say comes between fear and sex? funf (it helps if you say it out loud, and understand German) :-)"