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Joke of the Day

"WIFE: would you chop these onions for me ME: sure WIFE: I meant with a knife ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man"

"If I lived in medieval times I'd get laid a lot because ""Would dost thou enjoy my penis shoved into thine lady parts? sounds fucking classy."

"What kind of car does a pirate drive? A Yarrrrrrrrris."

"Monster energy drink bumper stickers--because you can't give your truck an eyebrow piercing."

"A man died in his home when a pile of books fell on him police say he had only his shelf to blame."

"Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office I will find you. You have my word."

"An Irishman walked out of a bar"

"Whenever my mum tells me to budget wisely, I remind her that she spent 80 on a dog coat. And we don't even have a dog."

"The Walking Dead or the Grammys. Do you watch the bloodthirsty monsters ready to eat each other to survive or do you go with Walking Dead?"

"Why do chicken coops have 2 doors? Because if they had 4 doors they would be called chicken sedans!"