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Joke of the Day

"'Here's a good book' said the sales assistant in the book shop to Mrs Monster. 'How To Help Your Husband Get Ahead.' 'No thank you' said Mrs Monster. 'My husband's got two heads already. . .'"

"Walmart has an alarming amount of security camera video with me humping stuff with a swimming pool noodle."

"Whats blue and bangs old ladies? Me in my lucky blue coat."

"I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: ""If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends."""

"I'm never gonna tell the person I'm meeting up with that you said hi."

"What's the difference between sex and golf? In golf one bad hole won't kill you."

"The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience."

"How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three: one to hold the bulb, and two to spin the first one around."

"It is my sincerest hope that the act of dying feels like finally peeing after a long bumpy car ride."

"Where did Suzy go when the bombs fell? Everywhere."