105894

Joke of the Day

"It is my sincerest hope that the act of dying feels like finally peeing after a long bumpy car ride."

"What kind of phone does a burglar use? A no-key-a"

"It's crazy. One minute you're getting drunk as a skunk, then next thing you know, you're in the back of an ambulance. I really shouldn't be a paramedic."

"A hipster coffee shop would be a terrible idea. Everyone would burn their tongues because they would drink the coffee before it was cool."

"Don't let the correct punctuation fool you; I'm basically a 4 year old with good grammar."

"I am a Renaissance Man in the sense that I'll probably die young of a horrible disease while great discoveries are made around me."

"Hi 911, I'd like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol"

"What's the difference between a prostitute and a member of ISIS? One sucks and makes you explode, the other explodes and it sucks"

"What do you call a dog with no hind legs and steel balls? Sparky."

"Why did the clock phone the ruler? Because desperate times call for desperate measures...."