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Joke of the Day

"I'm concerned about my local funeral parlour closing down It's right on the high street, but every time I walk past it's dead in there"

"Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison? You know he's guilty."

"Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don't think adding more pricks will make a difference."

"What do you call a meeting exclusively attended by pine, juniper and fir trees? A coniference."

"""Let's see what you're made of!"" he says on approach, knife in hand. ""Good."" I mutter. ""Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology."""

"""I"" before ""E"" Except after ""old McDonald had a farm."""

"I just had a massive case of diarrhea... And I couldn't tell if it was the watermelon or the nuts"

"Do these jeans make me look fat? wife : Do these jeans make me look fat? Me totally scared: Would you get mad if i tell you the truth? Wife : No, i won't! Tell me. Me : I slept with your sister"

"It's so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being"

"Masturbation: It *comes in hand*y."