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Joke of the Day

"How do you make five pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it."

"Fool me once shame on you, Unless you're speaking Spanish, then that's eleven times and I probably deserved it."

"I keep graphic, full frontal nude pictures of myself on my cell phone in case anyone ever hacks it. That'll teach 'em. Can't unsee that."

"If you are what you eat ...never order a #2."

"I definitely could NOT be a surgeon. blood freaks me out when I'm high"

"I'd like two tickets, please. - Is it for The Hobbit? - No, she's my girlfriend."

"On which side do you drive? American: Right-side. Britisher: Left-side Indian: Depends on which side the oncoming traffic is."

"I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what's on the list while at the store. Fun game"

"A Chinese Man Does Stand-Up Comedy What is beautiful and delicious at the same time? Pussy"

"Me: I'm bored Dad: hi bored I'm dad Me: I'm hungry Dad: hi hungry I'm dad Me: I'm here's 20 dollars Dad: hi here's 20 dollars Me: thanks dad"