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Joke of the Day

"[principal's office] ""Your child's previous school indicates you're a bit of a helicopter parent."" Velociraptor: That's got to be a typo."

"How do you make a cat go ""woof""? Douse it in gasoline and toss it in a fire."

"""What else can we think about?""- Insomnia"

"A foot fetish porn called ""I think we got off on the wrong foot"""

"Whenever my neighbor looks like they want to speak to me. I collapse to the ground motionless as if I were one of Andy's toys."

"What do you call it when a banana eats another banana? Canabananalism EDIT: Thanks for all the support, only my second reddit post and I'm surprised this got as many upvote a as it did!"

"Why Should You Never Marry A Tennis Player? Because love means nothing to them!"

"Two wizards in a car were driving along and the police were chasing them for speeding. One said ""What are we going to do?"" The other replied ""Quick turn the car into a side street."""

"When is your mind like a rumpled bed? When it isn't made up yet."

"I have two tickets to the 2017 Superbowl, but I'm getting married that day so I can't go. If you're interested in going in my place, the wedding is at St. Peter's church and her name is Laura."