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Joke of the Day

"Surgeon: I'll be taking out your appendix today Me: [stomach rumbles] Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy] Appendix: I have a boyfriend"

"What can a goose do, that a duck can't, that a lawyer should ? Stick his bill up his ass."

"I've always wanted a pew in my house Because I remember how well I use to sleep on those."

"""Talk to the hand!"" - deaf people"

"My girlfriend keeps asking me to stop singing Wonderwall ""I said maybe..."""

"Q: What do you call four matadors in quicksand? A: Quatro sinko."

"Ghost handwriting is so sloppy. What is this, blood? Lol. Get a pen."

"""I ran a half marathon"" sounds so much better than ""I quit halfway through a marathon""."

"Grocery store flowers; show someone you care slightly more than not at all."

"What did the devil get arrested for? Possession!"