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Joke of the Day

"Every idiot in Florida just turned on their electric heater & they crashed the grid. Now I'm forced to watch my neighbor sleep in the dark."

"My grandfather's holocaust stories aren't half as depressing as the contestant interview segment on Jeopardy."

"I can't wait to jump on my kids' beds at 5am on Mother's Day, and holler ""WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?"""

"Just got a houseplant. Can't wait til it grows a house."

"[Eating ribs at BBQ Joint] ""Would you like a Wet-Nap?"" No thanks, I had one this afternoon."

"Java programmers do it with... class."

"Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go right to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free."

"I can't have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed."

"A gay man introduced himself to me at the bar the other day. He said, ""my name is Richard. But I prefer Dick."""

"Beyonce's birthday list: 1) The (former) planet Pluto 2) Maybach factory 3) The Taj Mahal 4) Lost city of Atlantis 5) Facebook"