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Joke of the Day

"What happened to Frankenstein's monster on the road? He was stopped for speeding fined $50 and dismantled for six months."

"""Are you seeing anyone?"" Me: lately I've been seeing this squiggly floaty thing on my peripheral vision. Floaty thing: We're just friends."

"What do you call 99% of /r/politics? Bernd-wagoners!"

"What's a skunk's philosophy of life? Eat stink and be merry!"

"What do you call a cow masturbating? Beef stoken-off"

"Wife and I taking a shower Wife: I want you to do bad things to me. Me: <pours shampoo in her eyes>"

"Since I started my diet my pants are two sizes too big! Granted I just bought a bunch of pants that are two sizes too big."

"When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people."

"(First Day as Mailman) ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup? BOSS: You're supposed to deliver those. ME: No."

"What's a necrophiliacs favorite drink? Doesn't matter, so long as it's stiff."