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Joke of the Day

"Why does Michael J. Fox make the best milkshakes? Because he uses only the highest-quality ingredients."

"Show me a person who doesn't walk on the escalator and I'll show you a person who will transition poorly into the zombie apocalypse."

"Just realized I've been misquoting George Orwell since 1985."

"The National Shredded Cheese Council just endorsed Donald Trump for president... They're ready to make America grate again."

"I've spent the last four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer No one will do it, though"

"I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, ""Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"" I said, ""Wow!"" Then her friend said, ""She means 666-3629."

"There are two rules for success: 1) Don't tell all you know."

"Shit's Creek is actually quite lovely when you bring paddles."

"What did Napoleon say on the rollercoaster? Ouiiiiiiii!"

"I spent an hour explaining how WiFi works to my dad and my dog. The dog gets it."