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Joke of the Day

"My drug dealer is hilarious... he cracks me up"

"Yesterday while I was talking with my girlfriend about Ebola, I asked her what she would do if I had Ebola... ""Ebola what, Cheerios?"" Best joke she's ever told"

"Judging by my handwriting possible future career choices include doctor or kindergartner."

"Q: Why did the Davidians commit suicide? A: They were trying to keep up with the Joneses."

"Every time I make a poop joke, Dorothy Parker rolls in her grave. I should probably stop pooping there."

"[Dr.] ""Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you'll die"" *slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth* ""Don't do it"" *eats cheese* *dies*"

"When someone walks next to me at the same speed I want to grab their hand and start skipping"

"I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else."

"Customer: You said these pants were pure wool but the label says ""all cotton."" Salesman: Oh that's just to keep the moths away."

"I only like 70 things.. One is alcohol. Another is 69."