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Joke of the Day

"If you think a minute goes by really fast you've never been on a treadmill."

"Don't eat the cookies so fast they'll keep. I know but I want to eat as many as I can before I lose my appetite !"

"*bark* ""What's that Lassie?"" *bark bark* ""Timmy's stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?"" *bark* ""Ooh, dinnertime."""

"Today I am no long Obese. At 3'8"" I am a short obese."

"In Russia, you don't vote for Putin... Putin votes FOR you."

"What is green and goes a hundred miles per hour? A fuel injected pickle."

"[team tryouts] Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park. Jimmy: Thanks Coach! Coach: This is tennis."

"[plays dead to stop a bear from chasing me but then it plays dead next to me and we end stargazing together, forming a spiritual connection]"

"What's a Polygon? A dead parrot."

"""Waiter, I'd like to send this back"" -m'am, I believe that's your husband."