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Joke of the Day

"Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door."

"What was Bruce Lees vegetarian brothers name? Broco Lee"

"Why are there so many Female Archaeologists? Because women love digging up the past."

"They have a sea food place at Sea World. How morbid. What if I'm eating a slow leaner."

"It's actually pretty convenient the Alan Rickman died so soon after David Bowie. You can just move your lightning bolt up a few inches for the funeral and fit right in."

"I haven't spoken to my wife in 6mths, I don't like to interrupt her."

"Today's kids play TSA agent instead of doctor."

"We should call them Whether Men, because they don't know whether or not it's going to rain, get it? That's a good one."

"[3 guys corner me in an alley] 3G: Bet you're scared Me: *shows them my wife's credit card bills* 3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit"

"How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now."