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Joke of the Day
"Are you 9/11, Gurl? Cuz I would never forget you."
Next Joke
"Live tweeting tomorrow's hangover tonight."
"Which two names figure prominently in every Ape's diet? Ben/Anna!"
"Chelsea asks Hilary to dinner 100k for a meet-and-greet, 250 to say hello and 400,000 for dinner."
"interviewer: why do you want this job me: i've just always been very passionate about not starving to death"
"My number one rule to live by is: Don't die."
"My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito."
"Why should you wrap your hamster in duct tape? So it won't explode when you fuck it."
"Q: What is a volcano? A: A mountain with the hiccups."
"5yo: I dreamt I ate your brownie. Me: Wait, what happened to my brownie?? 5: Dreams come true."