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Joke of the Day

"Nothing makes me turn off my car and start leisurely tweeting faster than someone honking at me to pull out of a parking space."

"My girlfriend and I like to roleplay She pretends to be a nurse while I pretend she exists."

"What does it mean when an accountant is drooling out of both sides of his mouth? His desk is level"

"I've matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff"

"Hilary clinton married for love Love of power, sure, but it's technically love"

"How do Dolphins live their lives? With a porpoise."

"Interesting Factoid: Facebook causes you to overestimate how happy your friends are, and therefore might make you more depressed!"

"""Wow, that milk is spoiled!"" *milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*"

"Google just threw a drink in my face I deserved it I have no business asking those questions"

"How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? One or two thrown hard enough to the head should do the trick. Maybe one if it's really hot."