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Joke of the Day

"Nothing makes me turn off my car and start leisurely tweeting faster than someone honking at me to pull out of a parking space."

"""I'll have to report you sir"" said the traffic cop to the speeding driver. ""You were doing 85 miles an hour."" ""Nonsense officer"" declared the driver. ""I've only been in the car for ten minutes."""

"Two penguins are in the shower The first penguin turns to the other and says, ""Hey, pass the soap, please."" The second one replies, ""What do I look like? A typewriter?"""

"What did O say to Q? Your dick is hanging out."

"What's the difference between acne and a Catholic priest? Acne waits until its 12 before it comes on your face"

"What did the racist chess player say? All Rook same!"

"On the list of things I fear the most, ""death"" comes in as a close second to ""audience participation"""

"The free sample lady just asked if I'd like to try some slow roasted pork loin and then did a hip thrust at me."

"Why can't you fool an aborted fetus? Because it wasn't born yesterday. ..."

"I just established the five hour rule for tequila spilled on the floor."