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Joke of the Day

"What did the cannibal order at the bakery? Cinnamon buns."

"Was driving today and I saw some chick texting and driving... Pissed me off so much I threw my beer at her."

"Nothing is creepier than driving next to someone on the highway at the exact same speed."

"The Rolling Stones should have a reunion tour and call it Rolling Stones Gather No Mas"

"Hello, 911? *twirls phone cord around finger* sooooo how was your day? Did you arrest any bad guys?...No you hang up first! Hello? 911?"

"What is Red and Smells like Blue Paint? Red Paint"

"What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs."

"Sometimes when I throw up I like to pretend the toilet is a baby bird and you're not even reading this anymore are you."

"I read an interesting stat online the other day.... Apparently 1 in two and a half men are HIV positive."

"In the game of poker, you have to play the hand you're dealt. Unless it's a literal hand. Then it's a redeal."