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Joke of the Day

"What do you do if can't change a lightbulb? Ya know what? Just screw it."

"[starts 2 crack beneath crushing loneliness] anyone wanna get frozen yogurt or something, maybe orchestrate an elaborate jewel heist I dunno"

"What do you call a rich South American? A Brazilianaire!"

"If there was an award for being the laziest guy ever I would send someone else to get it for me."

"Me: *gazes into his eyes* Him: *sweats* M *winks* H: I'm kinda uncomfortable M: But this is love H: It's my job to fill liquor orders, ma'am"

"The inauguration ceremony should be like the olympics. They can play the US national anthem, then the Russian one."

"Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I'm gonna have to maul the shit out of you."

"An owl told me a great joke the other day. Oh man, *it was a hoot*!"

"I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you."

"What do you call a football team full of retards? Special teams."