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Joke of the Day

"i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8x10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes"

"What do Intel, Google, Uber, eBay, McDonalds, Budweiser, AT&T, Oracle, Disney, Boeing, IBM and Apple have in common? Immigrants"

"I give this cheese an ""A"" I grated it myself"

"What's a sailor's least favorite color? Maroon"

"How did the mathmatician become unconstipated? He worked it out with a pencil"

"What do you call a lesbian octopus? A lickalotopuss."

"I think the large hand on my watch is lagging. Sloppy seconds"

"I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open."

"My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she's going to look amazing."

"Acid is like a woman. A good one will eat right through your pants."