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Joke of the Day

"Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was ""LOL"" and I was holding my statement upside down."

"Fully clothed mom just waded into the pool to grab her devil spawn child that was ignoring her. She's my new favorite."

"Knock knock. Who's there? Allah. Allah who? Allahu Ackbar!!!!"

"BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I'm gonna have you take a typing test. LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit"

"What brings the monster's babies? The Frankenstork."

"How can you tell an introverted Techie from an extroverted Techie? An extroverted Techie looks at *your* shoes when he's talking to you."

"I am a massive massive MASSIVE worrier. I can't stress enough."

"Why didn't the Jews fight in WWII? They all went camping."

"[at wife's funeral] Son: At least shes in heaven now Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don't know shit about your mom"

"What's a parrot's favourite game? Monopoly!"