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Joke of the Day

"Fully clothed mom just waded into the pool to grab her devil spawn child that was ignoring her. She's my new favorite."

"What do you call a pile of kittens? A meowntain"

"So I think we have pretty much covered what to do if life gives you lemons"

"Q: What did the Egyptian man say to the Egyptian woman? A: ""Come behind the pyramid and I'll make you a mummy!"""

"I almost died today, so naturally my first impulse was to pull my phone out and tweet about it."

"What three things does a woman need to do an oil change on her car? Two boobs and a man"

" Dad, what does indifference and incompetence mean? Actually, I don't know, son. And I don't give a shit."

"How do you start a joke about Vladimir Putin? By looking over your shoulder."

"Its such a beautiful day to stay inside and tweet about what a beautiful day it is out there."

"I love being alive but my favorite thing to do is sleep."