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Joke of the Day

"For the New Year, I vow to take a selfie at 720p.m. It's a decent resolution."

"C sections. They really take it out of you."

"I realized that if a girl were to say ""don't rape me"" with her teeth knocked out it would sound a lot like ""doe ray me""... Either way it's music to my ears! Credit: comedian Shawn Pearlman"

"A 3 legged dog walking into an Old West bar. He says... I'm lookin for the man that shot my Paw."

"I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids. 72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine."

"Wind chimes. Something I've never purchased. Can't see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what'd be nice? Noise."

"I went to an art contest recently... It ended in a draw."

"Going to Walmart to boost my confidence and kill my sex drive."

"What do you call an epileptic in a lettuce patch? A seizure salad."

"What is the best method of separating juice? by concentration."